Dirty Details with Vince and Veronica

(Bill Hogan / Chicago Tribune / MCT)

Q: My girlfriend has this guy she calls her best friend. They’ve known each other for two years. They have the same major and career interests, so they are in many of the same classes and clubs and therefore spend a lot of time together. She insists she doesn’t have feelings for him, but it’s getting harder to believe. What can I do?

Veronica’s Opinion

Well, it all comes down to if you trust her or not. I’m not sure of the whole story (whether or not you began dating before or after they became friends), but there’s probably a reason why she’s dating you and not him. I’ll admit that this is a tricky situation because obviously the friendship is causing you to have anxiety, but saying something may cause her to get angry or frustrated.

If the situation is making you worry enough and you feel that the only way to relieve some of your tension is to ask her what’s going on, then do it. Don’t ask in a threatening or intrusive manner, but just say that you’re a little worried. (DO NOT make her out to be the bad guy, because she will get defensive and angry whether she’s in the wrong or not.) If she tells you that they are just friends, I’m going to say that you should believe her. If she tells you that she has feelings for him, then at least you know and can move on and find a girl that isn’t ‘trifflin’.’

If she tells you there is nothing going on with her male best friend, but you still don’t trust her, then there are obviously trust issues on your part and it’s difficult to maintain a relationship with that mindset, so you should figure out if it’s the right relationship for you. I urge you to not snoop through texts or Facebook messages because in the end it’s a complete invasion of privacy. You may end up absolutely heart broken, and if you don’t find anything worthwhile, you may feel a little guilty for breaking your girlfriend’s trust.

This is a difficult topic to advise upon because each situation is different. I’ve faced this situation in two past relationships and one ended up fine while the other met its downfall. Through trial and error in these situations I learned a few tips and I stress these things:

1) Trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship and you need to decide if you really trust your girlfriend or not.

2) Do not make her feel bad for wanting to have a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex, because that will backfire on you.

3) If she says they’re just friends, then maybe it would be a good idea for you to try to become friends with him so that you become less anxious about him.

Basically, to sum it up in a short sentence, I say ask, and with her response, take time and decide what is right for you. Hopefully she just has a guy best friend that you can become friends with too.

Vince’s Opinion

Well there are two different ways you can go about this situation. If you don’t believe her, just cut off the relationship. I mean, what is a relationship if there isn’t any trust? If you don’t believe her, there is obviously no trust and you should go find someone else who will actually spend more time with you than his or her “best friend.”

In the case that you’re uncomfortable with her hanging out with her best friend all the time, the best thing is communication. If you don’t tell her how you feel, then the problem will never be fixed. Either she will end up falling in love with her best friend or your hidden jealousy will eventually tear the two of you apart to the point where you will have to go look for a new girlfriend. Talk to her and let her know how you feel. Tell her that you’re uncomfortable with how much time she spends with her best friend. From there, it is up to her how the situation turns. She will either respect your wishes or blow you off, but remember you two are dating, not married. Just because it is Facebook official does not mean that you own her. You must also respect her time and space. Even though the two of you are dating, you both still have other friends and need the social time away from each other. I am not saying what she is doing is right. If she is hanging out with this best friend outside of class or clubs equal or more time then she is with you, then maybe you should be concerned. Although, if all the time she is spending with him is either in class or at club meetings, you really can’t blame her. It just so happens they are both interested in the same thing so obviously they will be in the same place at the same time.

So talk to her – communicate. If you have a solid and mature relationship then you will be able to discuss your feelings (remember to hear her side and how she feels) and come to a mutual agreement. If it ends up in a fight or a yelling contest, maybe you should start meeting new people. You would probably be better off.

Posted by Veronica Kale on Oct 6 2010. Filed under Dirty Details, Lifestyle. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.