Dirty Details with Vince and Veronica

Q: This guy and I have a ‘friends with benefits’ situation, but I think he’s starting to want more out of it. Can FWB ever just be friends?

Bill Hogan/Chicago Tribune/MCT

Veronica’s Opinion

In my opinion, the friends with benefits (FWB) scenario is pretty tricky. It seems that in most cases, one of the friends has stronger feelings then he or she is leading on, and this can lead to complications.

I feel that if you are sexually attracted enough to keep hooking up with someone, there is obvious chemistry that makes you more than friends. It may even be one of those cases where consciously, you may be unaware of your potential feelings, and as time progresses you realize you have feelings for the other “benefited” friend. This could lead to heartache if the other person doesn’t develop the same realization.

From personal experience and secondhand accounts, I say it’s a bad idea. But, if you really need to get some action and you’re willing to risk a friendship, that’s up to you. You should probably weigh the pros and cons of how your “friendship foreplay” will play out. (Are you willing to lose that friend? Could you see yourself developing feelings for that person? Etc.) You should also have that semi-awkward conversation about what’s expected from the arrangement and lay out the ground rules (this is how far I’m willing to go, no emotional attachment, no labels…). You should also probably ask about complications, such as STDs, so you don’t end up with something else you don’t want.

Now, I’m not saying that the arrangement can never work out (because I’m sure there are a few students on campus that could rebuke my previous statements, and lucky you!) I just feel that in MOST cases, someone’s going to end up with romantic feelings.

So, can FWB ever be just friends? I’m sure it’s possible, but in most cases I don’t think so.

Vince’s Opinion

First and foremost, there will be many obstacles along the way to reaching the nirvana that is a friend with benefits (FWB). There are two basic requirements for this heaven on earth situation: the right mindset and the right partner. If these two requirements are met, then a FWB may be possible. For the average person, however, this more often than not ends in hurt feelings for at least one party.

For this to work, both parties need to be okay with the possibility of non-exclusivity. The true definition means no strings attached so neither party could complain about the other hooking up with other people. You’re not trying to make anything beautiful here, so hold off on the candles and rose pedals, and stick with the task at hand– gettin’ some. This situation cannot be one in which both partners see each other every day or are part of the same social circle; too much drama and behind-the-back talk can come of this. This is a friend that basically is there when you call her and need a ride or a place to crash for the night because none of your other prospects worked out that night. It requires both partners to be emotionally mature enough to understand that a relationship is not a possibility and that they both are better options for each other than a random one-night stand.

From personal experience, the girls that work out as the best FWB are the more mature females that aren’t looking for a long-term relationship, but short-term companionship. This works out best during a transitional period in one partner’s life; such as graduation or possibly waiting to start a new career in a different location. The girl has to be content with the fact that the guy is not going to be a romantic and will not be the same supportive figure that a boyfriend would be, but at most will be there for you to the extent a close friend would be. I can’t stress this enough, you are both each other’s “Option B.”

In my humble but 100 percent accurate opinion, men are usually the ones that are more tolerant of the FWB situation. After consulting many male peers on their opinion of FWB, the majority response was some variation of “Sweeeet!”

Have a question for Vince or Veronica? Submit it to veronica.kale69@gmail.com.

Posted by Veronica Kale on Oct 27 2010. Filed under Dirty Details, Lifestyle. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.