The Comedy Column

Almost all of us have been stuck in this situation. Your girlfriend/boyfriend is in town, and they can only stay for a day or two. And wouldn’t you know it, your roommates are assholes that absolutely refuse to leave the room so you two can have your alone time. It’s the worst. Where are you gonna go? The car certainly isn’t the most romantic of spots, plus you can’t think of a secluded place in Newport News. You wanna ask your buddy if you can use his/her place, but it just feels weird. You don’t want to do that to them. Well now you don’t have to.

What if I told you there was a room that’s always open to you and your lover in your time of need? A room that’s fully equipped with music, nice lighting and no worry of someone interrupting your private time? You might just shit your pants. Well put on your Depends: This room exists.

For the low initial price of just $10, my roommates and I are ready and eager to rent our room out to you and your partner so you two can “chill.” $10. Wrap your head around that for a moment. Most hotels charge no less than $100 if you don’t want a place that isn’t crawling with bugs. We charge you $10 for a space that only crawls with sexiness.

Here’s how it works: you contact me or one of my roommates, (Ian Deboeser, Eric Johnson) and tell us you’re interested. We’ll meet with you and you can let us know when you would like the room so we can have the time to set it up and vacate. What do we set up? Oh not much… just your own mattress for whatever you want to do, complete with clean sheets and a blanket if you don’t want to bring your own. Also we can throw in some lighting and some music if you like. We want you to be as comfortable as possible. And if you’d like to stay the whole night, it’ll only cost you $25. Yes, I know, that’s an insane deal. But we are so against cockblocking that we’re going out of our way to deflect your cockblocks with this useful service. When you’re done, don’t worry about leaving the room disheveled—We can clean it up.

And if you’re worried about the legitimacy of this business, there’s no harm in renting space out to your fellow man/woman. That’s all we’re charging you for, is the rented space that we prepare for you. And the awesome, amazing accommodations.

Our only rule is that there is absolutely no alcohol or illegal substances in the room. If we come back and we smell it or see it, you will not be able to utilize our service in the future. And this is a service you are probably going to need again.

We ask that you call us at least an hour or two before you come over so we have time to set up the room and get all of our things out. And by the way: this a real thing. We are very serious about our business and your pleasure. I know this is the Comedy Column, but there’s nothing funny about a cockblock. So if you need our service, and you will at some point, shoot me a Facebook message, or call me at 540-226-1540, or the Get-A-Room hotline, 1-800-SEX-FORT. But you should probably just call my cell phone. I just called 1-800-SEX-FORT and turns out it’s an actual hotline for phone sex. If you want Get-A-Room, call me. If you wanna talk to single moms with no other options, call 1-800-SEX-FORT.
But seriously. This is a real thing. One of the many services this beautiful campus has to offer. So don’t hesitate. Get a room you two. Or three. But that’s gonna be $5 extra for that third wheel.