Between the Sheets

According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, people need sex – definitely not more than food, water, and sleep but it’s a necessity.  Unfortunately, there are many people out there who remain unsatisfied and sexually frustrated from a lack of creativity and adventure in the bedroom.  People have been experimenting for a millennia on what positions are the best, yet so many people fall back on the missionary position, literally.  And for good reason. Apparently in Virginia you can only have sex in the missionary position (the male is on top of the female during intercourse and they are facing each other, in case you didn’t know)and you have to have the lights off.  However if you are planning on getting out of the state (or plan on not attracting the attention of law enforcement during coitus), here is some information so you can figure out your favorite sex position.

Now, I would hate to offend all those people out there who are forced to read this column every week when they just don’t want to, so I’ll try and keep the descriptions as tame as possible.  I’m pretty sure all of us understand the basic mechanics of one person’s genitalia entering another person’s, so I’m going to try to just let you know what you are supposed to be doing with the rest of your body in these positions because whether it’s just a kiss or a home run, someone out there is usually wondering, “What am I supposed to do with my hands?!”

Easy positions

Slow Rocking (variation of basic missionary) – Lay on top of your partner, face to face, and slowly rock your bodies together in a rhythmic pattern.  The person on top can use their hands to prop their body slightly if necessary.  This position gets you two very close, and also allows for free hands to caress their face, hair, and body.

The Bermuda Triangle (variation of basic missionary) – Ladies, this position, which starts out simple, quickly puts you in control.  Ladies are on the bottom with their legs bent so they make a triangle like shape.  The bottom tells the partner on top to get on all fours and not to move, while the woman on the bottom lifts her pelvis. This is not going to feel natural for most guys; they may feel a bit lost at first because they don’t have to do anything.  The person on the bottom is able to control the speed and intensity of penetration.

Saucy Spooning – You and your partner lie on your sides facing the same direction, with the penetrating partner behind.  This position is good for long lovemaking sessions as it requires people to move slower and more sensually because it isn’t easy to make quick motions while on your side.  The “little spoon” also has the ability in this position to guide their partner’s hands with their own to the parts of their body they want touched.

Perfect Timing – The male sits in a low chair with his legs relaxed.  His partner straddles his lap.  She should slowly lower herself on him inch by inch.  Eventually the woman will be fully seated on top of her partner.  Hands will be free to explore each other’s bodies. However, this position allows for a lot of body contact, so feel free to show affection to your partner with long kisses, hugs, and caresses.  This position also allows for a high chance of climaxing together, which is a very intimate experience to share.

Advanced positions (Disclaimer: you may want to stretch first)

The Human V – The penetrating partner is standing, while face to face with the receiving partner who is sitting on a table or some other surface level with the penetrating partner’s pelvis.  The partner on the table then proceeds to put their ankles on their standing significant other’s shoulders, the receiving partner may want to hold onto their ankles.  The penetrating partner will want to put their arms around their sitting significant other’s back so they can pull them close.

360 Degrees – This position should be approached with caution.  Basically it will start out as a basic missionary, but slowly the man on top will use his arms and legs to slowly spin his body in a 360 degree circle without exiting his partner.  If you need a visual, the guy is basically going to be a boat propeller.  This will have a lot of movement, so be aware of where hands and feet are going so no one gets hurt, and remember to go slow.  The penis and vaginal wall are very delicate. It would be a shame to rip something.

Heads Up, Heads Down – The penetrating partner should be kneeling on the ground with their legs making a 90 degree angle.  The receiving partner will end up upside down and facing away from the penetrating partner, so their head and shoulders are on the ground and their body is parallel to their significant other’s.  Ideally the receiving partner’s legs/ankles should be resting on the penetrating partner’s shoulders.  Partners should hold onto each other’s legs for stability.  This position requires adjusting for height disparity, so be patient.