Alright, let me be the first to say: My last column was a bit much. Although it wasn’t one of my proudest moments, I don’t regret writing it. George Carlin, arguably one of the best comedians of all time once said, “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.” Well I certainly found that line! If you’re offended by anything I write, that’s fantastic, let me know. But let ME know. There is no reason anyone else but MYSELF should be criticized for what I write in MY column. I recently learned that no one complains to me about my column. Instead, they complain to Dean Hughes, the paper’s advisor Dr. Lee, our editor-in-chief Darryl, and pretty much anyone but me. I write the Comedy Column. I jizzed in the shower at a hotel. Not Dean Hughes… as far as I know. And the fact that other people are getting credited (albeit negatively) with the awful things that I write is kind of offensive to me, as the writer.
Yes, even I can be offended. Shocking, I know.
With all of that being said, I’d like to respond to an article in the Opinion section titled “In response to the Comedy Column and Between the Sheets” written by Karen Shea, which I assume is a false name because I can’t find a CNU student by that name on Facebook. Yes, I am an investigative journalist as well as a comedian, so long as I don’t have to leave the realm of Facebook.
In the article, Karen refers to my column and the Between the Sheets columns, saying they both “promote dangerous and hurtful behavior,” and goes so far as to personally attack me and CNU’s Girl Next Door (which I will abbreviate as GND), by saying “Both of these people use promiscuity to fill a void in their lives.” She also felt the need to falsely accuse GND by saying she was too “ashamed” to publish her real name. Referring to my latest column at the time about Get-A-Room (which is still a real thing and we’re open for business), she wrote, “The young man’s recent column, renting out his dorm room, is a tragedy, not a comedy” when in fact it is neither a tragedy nor a comedy. It happens to be the most genius business venture anyone on this campus has ever seen. I’m surprised my roommates and I haven’t gotten an honorary degree from the Luter School of Business for such ingenuity.
She then calls out the editors and advisors of the Captain’s Log for “promoting garbage” and says “Sure [it] makes for titillating readers—is that how you attract readers?” Two things: First of all, yes. Second of all… haha, you said “tit.”
In regards to your question asking if we’ve thought about our columns impact on “prospective high school students… younger siblings visiting… Relatives, alumni and benefactors”… I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. This is the Captain’s Log. The students barely read it. Let alone, kids who aren’t even students. Though our readership does seem to be climbing because people who don’t even go to CNU are complaining about the paper. These are good problems to have!
“I will be praying for you.” I think you were referring to Darryl, but Lawd knows I need it too. This whole time you’ve been discussing how my column and the Between The Sheets column is filth and that we should clean up our act. While I think our columns both maintain some form of dignity, I personally did hit a new low last week. If you know me, you know I’m a smoker. But last week… I bought a carton of cigarettes.
When you buy a carton of cigarettes, you’re saying a lot of things. You’re saying, “I look forward to an untimely death.” When you ask the person behind the counter for a carton, your mouth says, “I’d like a carton.” But what you’re really saying is, “If I could smoke more than I already do, I would.” When you buy a carton of cigarettes, you are revered. The guy that comes in and buys two packs a day, whatever, who cares? But if a guy comes in and buys a carton… you know that guy has seen some shit and doesn’t want to live too long to remember it. Sad thing is, I haven’t seen anything. I have no excuse. I just hate walking to 7/11 in the cold so I buy in bulk.
It appears I’ve used the entire column to respond to concerns that should have been emailed to me in the first place, which is too bad because I wanted to talk about the sororities’ Bid Day and the unbelievable amount of estrogen there was in the Trible Plaza last Sunday night. As I passed through the Plaza listening to the screaming and crying and hugging, I didn’t even notice my cigarette had turned into a tampon. But as much as I want to make fun of sororities (again) it appears that I am out of space. The only reason I felt the need to respond to your article, Karen, is because I am responsible for my own content, and I alone should have the responsibility of responding to criticisms. I also responded because my friends and fans have come to expect me to respond to articles criticizing me in the paper. Just ask Interfraternity Council and Panhellenic Council! Anyway, I hope this column didn’t piss you off as much! I’m sorry, my computer changes fonts when it knows I’m lying.