‘Unimpressed’ with Taco review

As average Christopher Newport University students, we have continued to read “The Captain’s Log” despite the recent controversies surrounding the Comedy, Between the Sheets, Military Musings, and Theatre review columns. After all, “The Captain’s Log” is the most trusted source of news at CNU after administrative e-mails, rumor, and women’s intuition. Up until last Wednesday, April 3, we had naively supported “The Captain’s Log” in its efforts to provide the CNU community with timely news stories such as the March 13, 2013 article on the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001, and had promoted its mission to deliver hard-hitting stories such as the seminal December 12 work “E-mail Concerns Seniors”.

However, it is with utter dismay that we read “food critic” Abigail Schoeneck’s review of Taco Bell’s esteemed Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. This article is an egregious misrepresentation of the feelings of the CNU community, and “The Captains Log” has once again incorrectly deemed itself the “Voice of CNU.” Instead of a fair and balanced critique of this orgasm in taco form, Schoeneck provides a one-sided condemnation of the product and attributes these feelings to the CNU community at large. Schoeneck makes several blanket statements regarding CNU students’ attitudes toward the crunchy, flavorful wonder, even going so far as to state that “most Captains are overwhelmingly unimpressed with the new Cool Ranch Doritos Taco.” Well Ms. Schoeneck, we feel you will find that “Unimpressed” describes our reaction to your review, not this taco.

As evidence for her erroneous opinion regarding this delicious culinary marvel, Schoeneck quotes two CNU students who apparently decided that fast food slander was an appropriate use of their time. Of course, we would not be so presumptuous as to assume the CNU community’s support for the Cool Ranch taco without first gathering the necessary evidence. We therefore decided to conduct an exhaustive survey of the CNU student body regarding their feelings toward this taco. Since completed, we can now justifiably declare that 100% of CNU students polled described the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco as “tantalizing” (n=4).

Thank you for your time.

Devlin Reardon